Family matters

In family matters, we must each make our own path. No one could or should tell you how to handle your own family. If you have struggled with your gayness as most of us do, then it has been difficult for you to accept. In fact, you may have denied and denied that you were gay not really accepting it yourself. This does not mean that you should feel ashamed for being gay.That is what PRIDE is about.

Even so, you must realize that if it has been difficult for you, then it would and will be difficult for them. I believe that I have a story that illustrates this point.
She had been in a relationship in high school always pretending that it was a person of the opposite sex. Later, in college she met the person with whom she was to remain for the next 20 years. The relationship was heated for a few years but then it dwindled until they were intimate friends but not lovers. For the first several years, they had rented a house but after several years, they moved into her mother's home and lived in the upstairs. They never talked about their relationship. They never could even admit that they were lesbians. She had always been so outgoing and her lover had been quiet and retiring. There were some gay bars nearby but they were frequented by males or so it seemed. Finally after nearly 20 years, they learned about a female bar. They went there each looking for a new relationship. Her lover began staying at the bar every night and closing the bar. This was different but after all these years, it was not too surprising. One night, as she was sitting in the den with her mother, the question of where her "friend" was came up. "Oh, she is out with friends." she said. They sat silent for a moment, rocking in the old lazy boys watching television. Her mother said, "Is she gay?" The daughter still rocking responded, "Could be." The mother then asked "Are you gay?" She replied, "Could be." At this, her mother said, "I have thought but never asked. I thought that you might need a friend to talk to about things now and I want to be there for you."

Now this break-through was the beginning of a transition into a wholesome and healthy relationship with her mother. This was a situation in which the daughter feared losing the love of a parent and at the same time respected the conditions of society at the time.

You may feel that blasting your parents with an announcement that you are gay is the only way to handle it. However, I think that it is best to think it through a little bit more. There is no need to bring these things up unless you think it will improve your relationship with them. Parents do not understand what you are feeling. They only know what society and their churches tell them to think about homosexuality. Sure you are angry. No it should not be that way but it is.

So you are bound and determined to do it anyway. Then be certain that you have finished school and have a job and a place to live. This is because you must be prepared for your parent to reject you. It is a rare family that can handle this easily.

They will think that they did something wrong or that you are going through a faze or that someone abused you or that you have just had a bad relationship or that all you need to do is get a good lay by a person of the opposite sex.

When a parent learns about his child's homosexuality, the parent goes through the same stages that a parent goes through in grieving for a lost child. The parent goes through denial and then anger and so on. You must allow this to happen with love in you heart because at the end of it all, if they ever really loved you, they will still love you. But this time you will be their new child, a homosexual child.

And can you accept, with patience, the patently difficult times ahead? especially if there are children? Can you deal with the back lash of disapproval that is bound to be heaped on you by their family? (It is all your fault he/she has turned gay!)

Just a few things to think about.

6) Drugs are usually the ruination of any relationship.(Excessive use)

7) While sex is not everything, your relationship can not last without it in some form otherwise you are just friends.
There are many forms of sex. I was talking to a friend who said kissing was not sex but a therapist said lots of things are sex. Our president had an interesting view of what sex was. I can tell you that having been with a person who was sick and unable to have what most call orgasmic sex, one can still have a sexual relationship. Touching, kissing, hugging in different forms are all sexual.

8) Since sex is not everything, your relationship can not evolve without some other kinds of mutual interests.
But then if you do not care if it evolves...

9) Learn all you can about the other persons prior relationships. A person in their mid thirties or forties who has never been able to stay in a relationship for any length of time may never be able to stay in one.

Some people who have been in lengthy relationships and tried new relationships may have reached a point in which they do not want to try any more to have a relationship with anyone. They have given up. You may have to back off from this person.

10) Find who did the breaking up in the other person's relationships. A person who has had a long string of relationships in which either they were always dumped or they always did the dumping is a red flag. They may need counseling or be unable to maintain a commitment. Either way there will be a lot of "baggage" to deal with.

11) The person you are dating should have a job. Check this out first.
If the person has a habit of going from one job to another this may be a warning sign that they can not get along with the employer or other people.

12) The person you are dating should have an education commensurate with yours.

Or the person should not resent your having a higher education.

Or the person should not put you down for having a lesser education.

The fact is that this issue is one that comes up in many fights when one or the other starts slinging "arrows".