The Rules for Dating

I created these rules while I was in a relationship. Interestingly, after my partner died I found that I broke half of them. Go figure.
So now, I have added in red what I currently think.

1) As much as possible try to choose persons who have something in common with you besides being gay.

2) Insist that most of the time you share dinner and entertainment expenses. If you do not, then one of you will be taking advantage of the other.

But then, most of the persons that I was interested in made far less than I, and being a generous person, I insisted on paying especially when I took my date to a very fine restaurant. This was not a case of someone taking advantage of me. It was a case of wanting to have the finer experiences without placing the other person at disadvantage.

3) Take note that a relationship that does not develop sparks between the two of you inside 3 months will probably not ever develop that way. A genuine discussion of desires for the relationship should take place at that time to assess whether it merits being continued. We all have friends. When we are dating we are looking for a lover and/or a spouse.

We have all me people that we really fall "head over heels for" but for whom the feeling is just not reciprocal. You are "beating a dead horse" by going on.

4) Needy people will drag you down. Avoid them. Avoid being one of them. Get a therapist. Spend your money on fixing yourself before you try to "get fixed up" with someone else.

5) Do not get involved with a straight person. Straight people sometimes want to know "what it is" to be gay so they "try" it out. Mark my words. They always go back to the straight life. They will break your heart.

I still suspect that this is true. However, the question of what a straight person is comes up. So many men and women marry and have children at an early age because it is the thing to do. Then before they can catch their breath after their children are teenagers or beyond, they suddenly realize that they are not happy. Some are unhappy because they are no longer in love with their spouses. Others are unhappy because they realize that they never were. And I suspect some are just happy but rejected by their spouses.

And so it begins, the new evaluation of ones self. Who am I? What do I want? And sometimes these people fall in love with the same sex. Really in love! Is this person straight and then suddenly gay? Or is this person truly bisexual? Or was the person always gay and then realized it later in life? And does it matter?

I think that the real question is can the person behave in a mature manner dealing with their current responsibilities and still offer themselves in a committed way to someone new regardless of gender? If so, then go for it!

And can you accept, with patience, the patently difficult times ahead? especially if there are children? Can you deal with the back lash of disapproval that is bound to be heaped on you by their family? (It is all your fault he/she has turned gay!)

Just a few things to think about.

6) Drugs are usually the ruination of any relationship.(Excessive use)

7) While sex is not everything, your relationship can not last without it in some form otherwise you are just friends.
There are many forms of sex. I was talking to a friend who said kissing was not sex but a therapist said lots of things are sex. Our president had an interesting view of what sex was. I can tell you that having been with a person who was sick and unable to have what most call orgasmic sex, one can still have a sexual relationship. Touching, kissing, hugging in different forms are all sexual.

8) Since sex is not everything, your relationship can not evolve without some other kinds of mutual interests.
But then if you do not care if it evolves...

9) Learn all you can about the other persons prior relationships. A person in their mid thirties or forties who has never been able to stay in a relationship for any length of time may never be able to stay in one.

Some people who have been in lengthy relationships and tried new relationships may have reached a point in which they do not want to try any more to have a relationship with anyone. They have given up. You may have to back off from this person.

10) Find who did the breaking up in the other person's relationships. A person who has had a long string of relationships in which either they were always dumped or they always did the dumping is a red flag. They may need counseling or be unable to maintain a commitment. Either way there will be a lot of "baggage" to deal with.

11) The person you are dating should have a job. Check this out first.
If the person has a habit of going from one job to another this may be a warning sign that they can not get along with the employer or other people.

12) The person you are dating should have an education commensurate with yours.

Or the person should not resent your having a higher education.

Or the person should not put you down for having a lesser education.

The fact is that this issue is one that comes up in many fights when one or the other starts slinging "arrows".